Smallville in short

I've been watching the opening episodes of Season Five of Smallville today. It's awful; I love it. I see no reason why these two statements should be mutually exclusive. If you've never watched it, it follows the trials and tribulations of future superhero Clark Kent as he advances through puberty (ignoring the fact that he's played by an actor thirteen years his senior). If you want to start watching it - and if not, why not? - without wading through the back catalogue of episodes, I've condensed many of the basic elements of the show into one time-saving, ultra-handy script template.

[This is one of those exercises that seems as if it should be funny in theory, but the execution has gone wrong and it's ended up as highly formulaic smart-arsery aimed at very soft target. Balls. Sorry.]

If you lived / In Smallville Street / Here are the people / You would meet. Click here for some astute commentary on the show, along with a succinctly annotated version of this picture (spoiler warning!)

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The scene: a dimly lit suburban bedroom in Smallville, Kansas State. In the room is a local teenage high school student, Caleb. The shot begins on a close-up of his twitching face, then slowly pulls back and rotates 180 degrees to reveal that he's sitting on the ceiling.

Caleb: Damn it, my life sure does suck ever since Lex/Lionel Luthor performed that meteor rock-based experiment on me. Sure, it's cool being able to walk up walls, but now I'm a total outcast. You know who I really hate? Clark Kent. I always loved Lana Lang at school, but she was too besotted with him to notice me. I'll wreak my revenge on him the only way I know how: by walking up walls!

Cut to The Talon, the local coffee shop. Lana Lang and intrepid wannabe journalist Chloe Sullivan are talking.

Lana: I really have feelings for Clark, but I can't have a relationship with him when he's keeping all these secrets from me. One minute he's one person, and the next he's somebody totally different, you know?

Chloe: Well, I'm secretly in love with him, so I can't form an objective opinion, but you seem a little picky considering how often you've temporarily altered your personality: you've spent time as a ultra-hedonist, a vampire, and a fifteenth-century French witch, amongst other things.

Lana: I don't remember any of that. Still, there is an unusually high rate of amnesia in this town.

Suddenly Caleb bursts in and scampers up the wall. He stands on the ceiling, surveying the scene with contempt. Nobody looks surprised.

Caleb: You all think I'm a freak! But you'll be sorry!

Chloe: Booooring.

Caleb drops a mysterious tablet into Lana's coffee, and exits though the skylight.

Chloe: Yeesh, another weirdo.

Lana: Yeah [Takes sip of coffee]. Ooh, I feel a bit funny. In fact, I'm suddenly a nymphomaniac, and that Caleb guy was hot. I'm going to change into an extremely minimal outfit and attempt to seduce him.

Chloe: Why does somebody always have to wear an unnecessarily revealing outfit? It seems to contradict our otherwise puritanical attitude to sex.

Lana: Don't be such a prude, Chloe. I'm horny!

Lana exits, passing Clark Kent as he walks in. She runs a suggestive palm over his finely-toned torso, because that stuff looks great on camera. But remember, kids: true love waits.

Clark [to Chloe]: What was all that about?

Chloe: Lana's gone mad again.

Clark: Oh. Why?

Chloe: It's probably got something to do with gecko boy. He was in here a minute ago crawling up the walls and bawling about how much we all hate him. I just looked up all his personal documentation on my access-all-areas laptop, and it turns out that he was part of a Luthorcorp medical experiment.

Clark: Another one? All right, I'll go talk to Lex. I can't remember whether I trust him or not at the moment, so I'll have to play it by ear.

Clark exits with a swoosh. Cut to Lex's mansion. Lex and his father, Lionel, are discussing business matters.

Lionel: You disappoint me, son. Despite the fact that you're the only remotely interesting character in this town, you've let your emotions get the better of you.

Lex: Unlike you, dad, I don't think it's justifiable to exploit innocent people to increase profitability. Or maybe I do. Aargh, I'm torn between my dark and light sides!

Lionel: A son should be wary of trying to fly higher than his father. Remember the tale of Daedalus and Icarus, Lex.

Lex: What does that have to do with anything?

Lionel: Nothing much. I'm just trying to introduce a shred of erudition to this tawdry parade of nubile young flesh.

Clark enters unannounced.

Clark: Okay, Lex, tell me about the experiment you performed on Caleb!

Lex: For the purposes of brevity, I won't bother trying to evade your accusations today. Yes, I injected Caleb with meteor rocks. For a laugh. Now he can dance on the ceiling.

Clark: How come?

Lex: You're not listening, Clark: meteor rocks. With meteor rocks, you can explain everything. Let's cut to the chase; I suppose you want the antidote?

Clark: Yes. He's got Lana!

Lex: Lana? The object of my thwarted attempts at human affection? To the Lexmobile! See you later, Dad.

Lex and Clark exit.

Lionel [to himself]: There's something special about that Kent boy... and I'll stop at nothing to find out what it is. Ahahaha!

Cut to Caleb's house, where Lana, scantily clad, is cosying up to him.

Lana: Oh, Caleb; in common with all the other reclusive, geeky sociopaths in Smallville, you certainly put in a lot of time at the gym.

Caleb: Thanks for noticing, finally; I thought you only had eyes for Clark Kent.

Lana: Nah, he's a loser. Let's get it on!

Caleb: I don't think so. On the contrary, I'm going to attempt to kill you as revenge for your callous spurning of me over the years, and to reinforce to message that sex equals death.

Lana: Noooo!

Meanwhile, in Lex's sports car, Clark picks up Lana's cries with his super-hearing.

Clark: Hurry up, Lex!

Lex: What's wrong with Lana this time, anyway?

Clark: She's lost control of her prim inhibitions again.

Lex: You mean she's drunk?

Clark: No, Lex - as well you know, only irresponsible and desperate people drink alcohol. She's been influenced by some sort of meteor magic.

Lex: Oh, so she's metaphorically drunk. Subtle.

They screech to a halt outside the house. Clark barges his way through the door.

Clark: Lana!

Lana: Clark!

Caleb flings her against a wall, rendering her unconscious.

Caleb: Back off, farm boy, or I'll scuttle around the local non-horizontal surfaces like an intimidatingly large, preeningly muscular woodlouse.

Lex approaches Caleb from behind and knocks him out cold with a rolling pin.

Lana [Coming to]: What happened?

Clark: Caleb tricked you into wanting to sleep with him.

Lana: I don't remember that.

Clark: No, I didn't think you would. Anyway, Lex helped me save you, even though he was indirectly responsible for the whole crisis. Sometimes he's bad, sometimes he's good. I just can't work him out, the fickle little baldy.

Lex: I prefer the term "morally ambiguous intellectual", myself. Anyway, it's not my fault I'm prone to acts of misanthropy; my father was very emotionally distant when I was growing up, unlike your loving family, Clark. Not that I'm harbouring any feelings of familial envy, of course. Oh, wait: I am.

Later, at the Kent Farm, Clark recounts the day's events to his wholesome, death-proof parents, Jonathan and Martha.

Clark: ...and then Lex totally kicked Caleb's ass! It was awesome!

Jonathan: Now, Clark, violence is never the right way to settle a dispute. Unless it looks really cool, or somebody gets to take their top off in the process.

Clark: Gee, Mom and Dad, I sure am proud to be your adopted son. If you hadn't brought me up to know the difference between right and wrong, I might have used my amazing superpowers for evil purposes.

Martha: But [due to budgetary restrictions] you hardly even used your superpowers today. Besides, aren't you forgetting about the time that you got hold of that red Kryptonite and spent six months robbing banks and cruising strip bars in Metropolis?

Clark: Um...

Jonathan: And when we say Red Kryptonite, what we're really talking about is drugs. Drugs will kill you, mark my words.

Clark: I really learned my lesson, Dad.

Jonathan: We love you, son.

They all hug. The end.